Older relatives thread

Toooldtobearsed3

Well-known member
Can't find an obvious spot, so have dumped this thread in relationships.

It is intended to be a thread for those of us dealing with older parents.
I am currently working on getting my dad into sheltered housing. The whole saga is a minefield, and I am learning as I go along, so thought a support thread might be useful 😁
I will post after I have taken the dogs out - one of them is giving me the evil eye, we are late this morning😶
 

Cathulhu

Well-known member
Mil is 80 and is Hospital with a fractured pelvis and now terrible diarrhoea and vomiting.
We have had to put a complaint in as they sent her home last week with no care plan in place and D+V which they lied about.
She got sent back the next day .
Its turned into a right mess.
 

CharlieAlphaWhiskey

Well-known member
My Mum will be 84 next month. Widowed three years ago. Some light mobility problems that entail her using a walking stick. Very stubborn independent. Fortunately she lives nearby so I've been able to get her shopping and go round to help with things like cutting the grass. She can be lovely, and generous, in so many ways, but at times can be so irritating eg she moans constantly about her neighbour (moans a lot generally actually), and I was alarmed at some of the racist views she expressed recently. She has no friends as the only people she used to see were at the local bowls club but that ended when dad died as mum was a non-player and doesn't drive. I love her dearly but find everything falls to me because my brother lives a couple of hours drive away and he isn't good at visiting regularly, or calling if I'm honest, but that's another story!

Can't find an obvious spot, so have dumped this thread in relationships.

It is intended to be a thread for those of us dealing with older parents.
I am currently working on getting my dad into sheltered housing. The whole saga is a minefield, and I am learning as I go along, so thought a support thread might be useful 😁
I will post after I have taken the dogs out - one of them is giving me the evil eye, we are late this morning😶
Interested to hear more about this. I wonder if my mum would benefit from something like this at some point, though I think getting her to leave her house would be really difficult. She's frail though and is finding it more and more difficult to maintain the old family house. it worries me a lot that she might fall.
 

marylou

Member
I too have an elderly Mum nearly 90, with frequent calls to help. I feel guilty for feeling cross at times with all the shopping, health appts, support visits etc, etc, when my siblings dont/aren't involved with those aspects too. Granted, I live the closest, but ...
I love her dearly but this week I've helped with visits for an infected ulcer on her leg - unlikely to heal; a last minute surgery for cataracts; medications sorted at the Drs; meals & shopping. And i work too, so its becoming a proper juggle.
Sorry, reading this back makes me sound heartless. I'm not, but it's hard work too.
I would like her to go to a day respite centre occasionally but shes adamant she wont, saying she enjoys just being at home. But we both know shes v.lonely too especially since my Dad died 4 yrs ago.
Hugs to all of you out there doing this too.
 

Camille Bordey

Well-known member
My MIL is late seventies. She's in good health but is VERY demanding and it's causing problems between my husband and myself. She has 3 other children but two of them do absolutely sweet FA and one of them will do the odd thing but only when and if it suits her.
Unfortunately we live about ten minutes away from her and my husband refuses to move (that's caused some rows too let me tell you!)

My (fab) father in law passed away a couple of years ago. He was an amazing man, but he did everything for her because being honest about it, she's quite lazy and now that he's no longer here she's decided that my husband can be at her beck and call instead.
She can drive but she won't. Gave up years ago and my FIL used to drive her around everywhere. She's a ten minute walk from a large Tesco, bank, PO, doctor's surgery and five minutes from the pharmacy and a local shop, but won't walk to any of them and gets my husband to drive her instead.

My FIL was amazing. Was always reluctant to ask anyone for help because he didn't like to be putting anyone out and was always so grateful whenever anyone did help him out.
MIL is the complete opposite. Incredibly entitled. It would even occur to her that anyone would say no.

To be honest I can only see the whole situation getting worse instead of better ☹
 

CharlieAlphaWhiskey

Well-known member
I too have an elderly Mum nearly 90, with frequent calls to help. I feel guilty for feeling cross at times with all the shopping, health appts, support visits etc, etc, when my siblings dont/aren't involved with those aspects too. Granted, I live the closest, but ...
I love her dearly but this week I've helped with visits for an infected ulcer on her leg - unlikely to heal; a last minute surgery for cataracts; medications sorted at the Drs; meals & shopping. And i work too, so its becoming a proper juggle.
Sorry, reading this back makes me sound heartless. I'm not, but it's hard work too.
I would like her to go to a day respite centre occasionally but shes adamant she wont, saying she enjoys just being at home. But we both know shes v.lonely too especially since my Dad died 4 yrs ago.
Hugs to all of you out there doing this too.
Don't feel guilty @marylou, I get this. My mum was in hospital for weeks just after Christmas and I was travelling up to London daily to spend hours at her bedside every day, whilst trying to work and look after my own family. My brother managed two visits in that time. I too was doing all the hospital visits with her before and after. It's hard not to be resentful, even though we love them dearly. Hugs to you too.

My MIL is late seventies. She's in good health but is VERY demanding and it's causing problems between my husband and myself. She has 3 other children but two of them do absolutely sweet FA and one of them will do the odd thing but only when and if it suits her.
Unfortunately we live about ten minutes away from her and my husband refuses to move (that's caused some rows too let me tell you!)

My (fab) father in law passed away a couple of years ago. He was an amazing man, but he did everything for her because being honest about it, she's quite lazy and now that he's no longer here she's decided that my husband can be at her beck and call instead.
She can drive but she won't. Gave up years ago and my FIL used to drive her around everywhere. She's a ten minute walk from a large Tesco, bank, PO, doctor's surgery and five minutes from the pharmacy and a local shop, but won't walk to any of them and gets my husband to drive her instead.

My FIL was amazing. Was always reluctant to ask anyone for help because he didn't like to be putting anyone out and was always so grateful whenever anyone did help him out.
MIL is the complete opposite. Incredibly entitled. It would even occur to her that anyone would say no.

To be honest I can only see the whole situation getting worse instead of better ☹
Camille, your MIL sounds like a nightmare and Im sorry that she's causing these issues for you and your husband. No doubt he feels caught in the middle as he wants to keep his mum happy but it would give me the rage if I was in the same situation as you. Your husbands siblings seven very selfish and you hear this time and again about siblings that don't pull their weight and leave it to the one living closest to do it all. My sympathies to you. I wish I had an answer for you.
 

Camille Bordey

Well-known member
Camille, your MIL sounds like a nightmare and Im sorry that she's causing these issues for you and your husband. No doubt he feels caught in the middle as he wants to keep his mum happy but it would give me the rage if I was in the same situation as you. Your husbands siblings seven very selfish and you hear this time and again about siblings that don't pull their weight and leave it to the one living closest to do it all. My sympathies to you. I wish I had an answer for you.
Thank you @CharlieAlphaWhiskey. Yes, you've the nail on the head there. His siblings are indeed incredibly selfish. I think my husband is the only one who got his Dad's personality while the rest of them are all like their mother.
 
The thing is, while someone is doing it there’s no incentive for them to chip in. Same with your MiL. She doesn’t do things because she doesn’t have to. Start pullback- at the end of the day, she needs you more than you need her
 

Camille Bordey

Well-known member
The thing is, while someone is doing it there’s no incentive for them to chip in. Same with your MiL. She doesn’t do things because she doesn’t have to. Start pullback- at the end of the day, she needs you more than you need her
I don't do anything for her anymore, or for any of his siblings. I've been a fool in the past, allowed them to walk all over me and let them treat me like dirt. Not anymore. I've learnt my lesson.
My late FIL was great, an absolute gentleman and I honestly would have gone out of my way to help him (not that he would ever have asked for help)

I haven't seen my MIL or any of my in-laws since lockdown began. I would be quite happy if I never saw any of them ever again. Wouldn't cost me a thought.
 

What could go wrong?

Well-known member
Signing in on this one.

DF died 4 years ago leaving DM who had a stroke 6 years ago on her own. She's recovered fairly well from it and is living independently at 83 but it's still obviously left issues.

DB (golden child) swoops in from afar dressed in a superhero cloak every couple of months or so. I live nearby and am admin assistant.
 

Camille Bordey

Well-known member
Sorry, just realised that my comment about could sound a bit snarky. It wasn’t meant to be! The thing with entitled people is they push against any boundary so you may as well put them where you want them. Sounds like you are though!
Oh gosh, I didn't think your comment sounded snarky at all! No, no definitely not 🙂

You were spot on with what you said.
God forbid I needed any of them in the morning, I can say with 100% conviction that not one of them would want to know.

I'm close to my SIL, whose my husband's brother's ex wife. We still call each other SIL because it's less complicated. She's had her fair share of it from them too over the years, but when our FIL was dying a couple of years ago, she went and sat with him at nights in the hospital too because like me, she said he had never been anything but a gentleman to her.
I'm close to her son (he calls me his aunt) too, and apart from those two, I honestly couldn't care less about any of the rest of them.
 
Signing in on this one.

DF died 4 years ago leaving DM who had a stroke 6 years ago on her own. She's recovered fairly well from it and is living independently at 83 but it's still obviously left issues.

DB (golden child) swoops in from afar dressed in a superhero cloak every couple of months or so. I live nearby and am admin assistant.
Can relate too well. Gently step back and refer things to Golden Bou. Yes, he can look at the when he’s here next, yes don’t forget to ask Golden Boy to fix that. Slowly, one thing at a time put a little distance. The more you do the more it’s expected and less it’s appreciated. Stepping back even a little generates a (little) bit more gratitude. It’s so easy to think we HAVe to. We
 

What could go wrong?

Well-known member
Can relate too well. Gently step back and refer things to Golden Bou. Yes, he can look at the when he’s here next, yes don’t forget to ask Golden Boy to fix that. Slowly, one thing at a time put a little distance. The more you do the more it’s expected and less it’s appreciated. Stepping back even a little generates a (little) bit more gratitude. It’s so easy to think we HAVe to. We
Thanks :) Sorry to hear you're in a similar position. It's tough.

I refer some stuff to him and TBF he does do it (at his leisure) but yes. I don't think he appreciates how much time the day to day small crises take to resolve.
 

Nelly

Well-known member
Sadly my mum passed away in November aged 79, my dad has dementia so was totally lost without my mum, my brother and myself then took turns in looking after him, I live in London, my brother lives in West Sussex, my parents thought at the time, they were both 60, fit and healthy that they decided to move to North Yorkshire, even though we both said it was a bad idea, no they were adamant, so off they went, had a nice life, then as I said my Mum passed away and my dad suffering dementia and could no longer care for himself, then Covid hit my dad, he was in hospital for 7 weeks, we couldn’t visit him because of lockdown, I will admit his social worker has been great, we managed to sell their house, so dad is now in a care home, which the money from the house sale is paying for his stay.

The thing now is with his dementia he does’t remember my mum, his wife of 60 years, passing away or her funeral, he recognises her face when you show him a photo of her and gets upset when you tell him mum died, the home he is in have been brilliant, he has found a nice friendship with one of the residents, which is nice, so both my brother are happy with that he is happy in his own little world.

It has been hard for me, I speak to him everyday, some days, he knows you, some he doesn’t, he repeats himself over and over again, so you no longer have a conversation with him, I miss him, I miss my mum.

I was having a conversation with my friend on the phone, her dad was 49 when he passed, she said she didn’t know which is worse, loosing your dad at a young age, someone you loved, who was fit and healthy, then suddenly died of a heart attack or watching your strong, healthy, hard working dad, who was the life and soul of the party, become this little old man, who cannot remember so many things like my mum dying and that I still live in London, but sort of remembers that my brother lives in the country where there are great big trees and a shop that sells cakes.

I really don’t know which is best or worst because both are heartbreaking.
 
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Toooldtobearsed3

Toooldtobearsed3

Well-known member
I really don’t know which is best or worst because both are heartbreaking.
Oh Nelly, how awful. I do think dementia is the cruellest of things for everyone involved.
My wonderful mil had it, and every now and then, there was a light behind her eyes, and it seemed that she knew, momentarily, whatvwas going on, but would then slide back into that state of not being there.

For all of you dealing with dementia, my greatest sympathy, it really is the very worst thing any of us will deal with - in my opinion.

I started this thread then buggered off - apologies.

My feet have hardly touched the floor, but to be fair, what seemed to be insurmountable at the beginning have actually been a lot easier to deal with than I thought😶
He has just signed a tenancy agreement at the most wonderful extra care sheltered housing home. He has an amazing apartment, hinestly, i could happily live there, and all the support he could ever need.

I have bought all the additional, or replacement furniture he needs to get started, and that is all being delivered at the end if next week ( he moves in a week on Monday).
I have cancelled all of his support stuff at home, registered him with a new GP and now starting to get him packed up.

I took loads of full bin liners to the tip a couple of weeks ago, and i suspect there will be a car load when I go again tomorrow. At least he is making an effort to try and get things sorted out i suppose🙄
I am returning his motability car to the dealership tomorrow, whuch will no doubt plunge him into doom and gloom, but he really is just not safe to drive any longer.
Still need to get his meds sorted out, but apart from that, it is just the slog of packing up. Oh - have removals van booked too.

I suspect my problems will really start when he is out. I will be visiting him daily in his new home and caring for him as best I can. I have been 'looking after him' since the end of January which has brought us to this point.
I have a sibling who lives close by. The agreement has always been that I take care of dad, they take care of his property - clear it out, clean it up, sell it on.
Everything seems to have gone quiet on that front........
 

CharlieAlphaWhiskey

Well-known member
I really don’t know which is best or worst because both are heartbreaking.
Nelly, I'm sorry for what you're going through. You're probably still in the stages of losing your mum and now this. Dementia is like losing the person before they've actually gone.

I have a colleague who lost her dad when he suddenly dropped dead after a stroke. She was devastated, especially as she never got time to say her goodbyes. My dad died from pancreatic cancer. Six months from diagnosis to death but the final three months especially were awful watching the disease take hold and the pain and suffering it caused not just to him but his loved ones too, so I get what you say when you mention you don't know which is best.

I have a sibling who lives close by. The agreement has always been that I take care of dad, they take care of his property - clear it out, clean it up, sell it on.
Everything seems to have gone quiet on that front........
Ah, the reluctant sibling...I have one of those. I've visited my mum every week throughout lockdown, taking her shopping and doing some essential jobs for her due to her reduced mobility. My brother has barely found time to call her, sigh!
 

Nelly

Well-known member
Nelly, I'm sorry for what you're going through. You're probably still in the stages of losing your mum and now this. Dementia is like losing the person before they've actually gone.

I have a colleague who lost her dad when he suddenly dropped dead after a stroke. She was devastated, especially as she never got time to say her goodbyes. My dad died from pancreatic cancer. Six months from diagnosis to death but the final three months especially were awful watching the disease take hold and the pain and suffering it caused not just to him but his loved ones too, so I get what you say when you mention you don't know which is best.
Thank you for your kind words, it has been a tough few months, I am getting there, some of the things my dad says are hilarious, he was always a happy man, always had a big smile, spoke to everyone and anyone, so glad that that part of him is still there for now.

My mum had a nasty fall March 2019, she hit her head, I drove there with my brother, to find our in mum hospital looking like she had gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson, she had some front damage to her brain, which changed her, my mum never swore, but after that every other word was a swear word, ie, if I asked her if she wanted a cup of tea, she would say “fuck offfffff” or mum do you want to sit in the garden, her answer was “bollocks”, she still managed to care for my dad, we got a cleaner in who was a god send and helped so much with other things, we are grateful for that, sadly my mum went down hill fast, which was a shock to all of us.

I must admit, since lockdown, mums.chat, other forums and the internet in general has been a life saver, you start off finding one thing, then another and end up where you end up reading whatever takes your interest.

My hubby has been great, been 24/7 since lockdown, something that we have never had because of work/shift patterns.

Sorry for the loss of your dad❤

I’ll see you on the word thread, which we both contributing to. 😁
 
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