The relationship you have with yourself

Buzzcat

Well-known member
I used to, but I have worked hard on accepting myself. I think I am not far short of 60, this is who I am. I have lots of good points and some bad ones. If who I am is not good enough for people they are free not to associate with me. Basically I am not prepared to apologise for who or what I am any more. I spent my childhood doing that.

I think the first stage is learning to like yourself - warts and all. If you don’t like and accept yourself, you really can’t expect other people to.🌞
 

TattieScone

Well-known member
I Love You Hug GIF by Disney Pixar
Mine needs serious work. I'm far too hard on myself, I'm constantly undermining myself and I talk to myself like crap. Imposter syndrome hits the second I start anything....

Does anyone else do this?
This sounds just like me @Oldcoot.

I'm far too hard on myself too. I dwell unecessarily on past mistakes which then makes me afraid to try new things for fear of making more and making a fool of myself. I doubt my decision making and constantly talk myself out of things and really hold myself back.

I have tried hard not to do this to myself over the years but I find when I'm feeling ill, stressed or overtired it seems to get worse.

Sending a hug your way ❤
Everyone Hugs GIF
 

Oldcoot

Well-known member
This sounds just like me @Oldcoot.

I'm far too hard on myself too. I dwell unecessarily on past mistakes which then makes me afraid to try new things for fear of making more and making a fool of myself. I doubt my decision making and constantly talk myself out of things and really hold myself back.

I have tried hard not to do this to myself over the years but I find when I'm feeling ill, stressed or overtired it seems to get worse.

Sending a hug your way ❤
Everyone Hugs GIF
Yes! Exactly that.

I get moments where I don't care anymore and I'm brilliant, but then something stops me, and the doubts and second guesses all pull me back again. It's so annoying and it's a really hard spiral to pull back from.
 

NotSorry

Well-known member
Such a good post.

I always strive to be the best that I can be and am constantly looking for ways to improve myself. I know this stems from my childhood and I am now so much better than I was (through counselling). I think these days my continual quest for improvement is just for myself as I have quieted the inner (parental) voices. Some days though it is exhausting and I need to just “be” and that’s ok
 

Oldcoot

Well-known member
Such a good post.

I always strive to be the best that I can be and am constantly looking for ways to improve myself. I know this stems from my childhood and I am now so much better than I was (through counselling). I think these days my continual quest for improvement is just for myself as I have quieted the inner (parental) voices. Some days though it is exhausting and I need to just “be” and that’s ok
Thank you.

I tried a counseller once, she said that she couldn't help me and told me to go to the NHS instead. I didn't bother. The reason why I wanted to go private because it was more reliable, more consistant and I wouldn't be repeating the same thing to different people as they move on. Even just trying to get an appointment had 3 cancellations with different people, that's when I decided to go private.

To hear that you're too much work for a counseller didn't help. So I'm trying to do it myself, but am a bit lost as to where to start.
 

NotSorry

Well-known member
I started with a book 15 years ago

If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World by Dan Neuharth

That took me a certain way, then I found a counsellor to help me on the journey

Over the years I’ve had counselling at various times from different people and I’m now here. Not sure I need further counselling but if I did, I would find someone to help
 
I have zero self confidence though you wouldn't believe it if you met me at work. It holds me back all the time.

I have finally been persuaded to go for promotion at my current job, which I have been too scared to do until now. It's the only job where I've not gone up the ladder. The management used to have a great talent for treating you as though you were thick as shit, luckily we have a free new ones and they are quite encouraging.

I should really go for counselling and I think I will once this covid crap has settled down. Everyone else seems to think I'm more than capable, and sometimes I definitely am, I just need to remember that myself!!
 

Horses Gallore

Well-known member
Thank you.

I tried a counseller once, she said that she couldn't help me and told me to go to the NHS instead. I didn't bother. The reason why I wanted to go private because it was more reliable, more consistant and I wouldn't be repeating the same thing to different people as they move on. Even just trying to get an appointment had 3 cancellations with different people, that's when I decided to go private.

To hear that you're too much work for a counseller didn't help. So I'm trying to do it myself, but am a bit lost as to where to start.
Well, the problem there was not you. It was her.

I am really good at giving advice to others, but not so good at telling myself. I have impostor syndrome at all the time, yet I know I am good at my job. In last year's appraisals, I found the courage to put that I was 'outstanding' in one area. We're always told that we are never outstanding, but I blew my own trumpet (so hard for me to do, because I was taught that it was rude to do so) and said that I went above and beyond, helping out at another store on my day off, which was an hour's drive each way, and willing to go up to yet another store to help out during the manager's maternity leave, and that store is a 3 hour drive, and would have involved staying overnight. The area manager doing the appraisals is the manager who had been on maternity and she did actually agree with me.

I am basically autonomous in the shop, although the area manager likes to change how I have the stock displayed so it looks like her (three times bigger with windows) store. The shop hasn't fallen apart since I took over and I have lasted the longest time in this job of anyone who had it. I must be doing something right, but I always have doubts.

Sometimes I think I'm really quite a nice person, then I get irritated by someone and think something like 'you miserable old bag' and then think I'm pretty nasty. I find it difficult to be kind to myself.
 

Koala

Well-known member
Chronic imposter here too.
I had a minor revelation a while back which has helped me more than I thought it would:

Not everyone I meet is going to like me, and that's fine. (I certainly don't like everyone, after all)
If they don't like me...so what? I wasn't desperate for this random stranger's approval 10 minutes before I met them.

And some people really are massive dicks too. Nothing I can do about that.
 

DinosaurChickens

Well-known member
I identify with imposter syndrome because I spent my whole life hiding and masking my autism deficiencies and driving myself to conquer, overcome and succeed.
I managed to conquer, overcome and succeed my kindness to myself by doing this.
I have had to learn to be a lot more honest with myself about my limits and make that OK with myself and do 'kindness' rather than beatings over fences.
Other than that I do like myself and I do love myself and I do laugh with myself a lot.
I think I just learned (was taught) to be a lot harder on myself and tougher than was necessary or useful.

It's OK to relearn what works and what doesn't, we all change as we age.

I just realized that switching deadlines for lifelines was what really changed my life.
I dropped my entire dead leading life and made a new life affirming one.

I realize that is not for everyone, but I had a complete mental and physical breakdown and had to do a complete change in order to recover and not go back to doing the same and expect a different outcome.

I just watched a Grand Design Episode with a lady teacher and artist aged 50 who had and survived cancer.
Her approach to life after Cancer was like mine after my breakdown from un-diagnosed lifetime Autism and consequent masking.

She decided to live a manageable and self loving life and jettison anything and everything that got between her and that.
I was cheering her by the end. She was the one that paints fish and lobsters in Essex. I loved her courage to put self love first.

I used to, but I have worked hard on accepting myself. I think I am not far short of 60, this is who I am. I have lots of good points and some bad ones. If who I am is not good enough for people they are free not to associate with me. Basically I am not prepared to apologise for who or what I am any more. I spent my childhood doing that.

I think the first stage is learning to like yourself - warts and all. If you don’t like and accept yourself, you really can’t expect other people to.🌞
Also Buzzcat is is so MUCH EASIER to roll with other peoples foibles and warts when you can roll with your own and accept your imperfections. Not saying you have to associate with annoying people, but accepting people as they are and not needing to go about a campaign of change is a lot easier once you accept yourself as imperfect and human but worth love.

I've found that self love has made me a lot less inclined to involve myself in 'what others do or don't do.'

A little bit of insular love and kindness to self, generates a whole lot of uninvolved acceptance of others being different.
 
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DinosaurChickens

Well-known member
Thank you.

I tried a counseller once, she said that she couldn't help me and told me to go to the NHS instead. I didn't bother. The reason why I wanted to go private because it was more reliable, more consistant and I wouldn't be repeating the same thing to different people as they move on. Even just trying to get an appointment had 3 cancellations with different people, that's when I decided to go private.

To hear that you're too much work for a counseller didn't help. So I'm trying to do it myself, but am a bit lost as to where to start.
The same here. My private counselor was completely unequipped to deal with my history and life experience as an undiagnosed Autist and an adult survivor of emotional and physical abuse.
If you are going to go private you need to aim for a qualified psychologist with experience in the field of your problem. Not a yellow pages person centered counselor as they have limits in their practice.

Going through the NHS you will eventually get to the person you need to see IF you have the support and energy to keep going. That is the big issue with the NHS, so many people are already so crapped out and emotionally and physically collapsed by the time they get a referral that the effort of going through all the cogs and wheels and people just loses them on the way and they fall down the cracks.

That was happening to me and I stumbled onto an Autism charity who furnished me with an NHS advocate to be my person who navigated the system and audited my experience in the NHS to the point they HAD to sort me out properly.

Without her I have no doubt I would still be caught in cracks or a revolving door of medication via the Mental Health nurse practitioner at the GP who is the gatekeeper to Psychology services.

If I was you and I had the money to do it, I would go to a qualified private psychologist with a specialism in 'whatever your issue is'
You do not go to a nurse with a compound fracture that needs pinning or to a dentist with an ingrown toe nail.

Mental Health has specialists for each issue. Generic Counselling is OK for standard or difficult life events for normal mental health and no neuro disability. Beyond that you need specialists same as you would physically. NHS will sign post you if you persevere but if you do not have the energy or the heart for that and you have the money then go private and get diagnosed privately. That diagnosis can be forwarded to your GP and then they have to work from that point onward with referral for therapy.
 
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RomanesEuntDomus

Well-known member
I just realized that switching deadlines for lifelines was what really changed my life.
I dropped my entire dead leading life and made a new life affirming one.
Do you know, I could have done with that revelation myself about 30 years ago when I was struggling with the final year of my degree, not really enjoying the slant of that part of the course and trying to motivate myself with fear. I didn't break down exactly; it was more slow puncture of the inner tube than blow-out, but I have been disappointing myself occupationally ever since.

I understand myself a lot better now. I realise that my hearing means that I don't function socially in the same way as others. Groups are a challenge and conversations have always been hard work even when I haven't been aware of it. I can't, for instance, marshal my thoughts in a serious discussion and hear what someone's saying at the same time, and it takes me longer than the average person to process spoken language. All subtle stuff and not how standard workplaces are set up to operate.

TL;DR it's no wonder I often lose motivation. All this compensation means I'm mentally tired, not lazy.
 
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